Here I sit writing my previous post about depression, having depressing thoughts. I am listening to KEZK and the Delilah show. Sarah McLachlan's song "In the Arms of an Angels" comes on. It reminds me of all the things I have and those who are no longer with us. You'd think that was depressing, but let me explain.
I once had a friend, Kendra. She was bright, blonde, funny, a great mother and a very hard worker. When I met her, I was a property manager of an office building. She worked for a tenant of mine as a recruiter. We started talking one day when we had a terrible snow and her son came with her to work. We hung out watching the snow and discussing our lives. I was newly married and didn't have any children. She was newly separated and dealing with a horrible ex-husband. He was abusive and was making her life miserable. She had literally hit the bottom and didn't have much of a shovel to dig her way out. But here she was so full of life, smart and beautiful. The kind of person I always wanted to be. She ended up leaving her job to take a job with a more stable salary. Unfortunately, we lost touch. I asked her former boss about her occasionally. She was so devoted to her son that I always wished her only the best.
Fast forward a few years.....I had left my job and ran into her former boss by accident. As I always had, I asked about Kendra. I was shocked as what I heard. She had been killed by a drunk driver. The saddest part was how it all unfolded. She had made it through her divorce. She met someone and had gotten engaged. From what I understand, her fiancee was going to officially adopt her son when they married. It was Christmas time. The new family had gone downtown to look at the Christmas lights. On their way back, a drunk driver ran a red light and demolished their car. The only survivor was her son who was sitting in the back seat.
The song "In the arms of an angel" reminds me of her. The lyrics "Spend all your time waiting for that second chance. For the break that will make it ok." really speak of her. Her life was finally on the right track and yet it ended so quickly. I'm not one to believe in religion but for my own sake I have to believe that the angels were there holding her that night.
Yes, I sit here in tears remembering a friend who I wish I had taken the time to get to know better. People come and go from your life on a daily basis. Make certain that you let those people know how important they are to you today. You don't have to be "best friends forever" for someone to have an impact on your life. Kendra definitely impacted my life greatly and her time in my life was extremely brief. All of these tears are worth it if it makes me that much more thankful of what I have and how far I've come.
I've included the lyrics....
Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction, oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless, and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of the Angels, fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here
So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees
In the arms of the Angels, far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Not working....except on being happy.
Yes, you read correctly. The only "work" I'm doing is trying to stay positive. However, that kind of work doesn't pay the bills. On the other hand, if I'm happy I won't create more bills.
For those of you who may not realize, I'm bi-polar. It's controlled by medication and plenty of patience from those around me. If handled properly it doesn't rule my life. There was a time that it did rule my life. It ruled all parts of my life. It ruled my family's life. It has almost been responsible for ending my life a few times, okay quite a few times. Thankfully I've been free from bad thoughts for awhile now. I do have to watch it though.
How does this relate to paying the bills and/or not creating more bills? To put it in monetary terms, medication (without health insurance) is usually upwards of $500 per month. Yes you read correctly, "per month". Oh but if I am covered under an insurance plan that cost will be approximately $100 monthly. That is just to keep my current medication refilled. Since the human body is so amazing and is always adapting to our environment, the medication doesn't always work for long periods of time. The lifespan of a medication is normally a couple of years. That is in the best case scenario. Worst case scenario, I could go through 2 to 3 different meds before one is found to work properly.
The medication is only a drop in the bucket to the biggest expense of all. That expense is when I have to go to the hospital as an inpatient. Imagine five to seven days of inpatient hospital care.
Yes, the bills just keep adding up. Are you thinking that this could add to my demise? Well, actually it has happened before. However, I have a wonderful husband who reminds me that I am loved, important and special...and that each incident is just a bump in the road.
It's been 15 years since my "official" diagnosis. On top of that it's been 25 years since I can first remember been so depressed I couldn't function. I will have to drive down this road for the rest of my life. But, the silver lining to all of this...(yes there is a silver lining)...you have a lot of experience in introspection AND since this is normally genetic...I have a jumpstart on keeping my girls from years of being undiagnosed.
Maybe someday I'll go into the in's and out's of manic depression. For today I will work on keeping my mind focused on the positives....my husband, my girls, my friends and that, yes things have always worked out in the end.
For those of you who may not realize, I'm bi-polar. It's controlled by medication and plenty of patience from those around me. If handled properly it doesn't rule my life. There was a time that it did rule my life. It ruled all parts of my life. It ruled my family's life. It has almost been responsible for ending my life a few times, okay quite a few times. Thankfully I've been free from bad thoughts for awhile now. I do have to watch it though.
How does this relate to paying the bills and/or not creating more bills? To put it in monetary terms, medication (without health insurance) is usually upwards of $500 per month. Yes you read correctly, "per month". Oh but if I am covered under an insurance plan that cost will be approximately $100 monthly. That is just to keep my current medication refilled. Since the human body is so amazing and is always adapting to our environment, the medication doesn't always work for long periods of time. The lifespan of a medication is normally a couple of years. That is in the best case scenario. Worst case scenario, I could go through 2 to 3 different meds before one is found to work properly.
The medication is only a drop in the bucket to the biggest expense of all. That expense is when I have to go to the hospital as an inpatient. Imagine five to seven days of inpatient hospital care.
Yes, the bills just keep adding up. Are you thinking that this could add to my demise? Well, actually it has happened before. However, I have a wonderful husband who reminds me that I am loved, important and special...and that each incident is just a bump in the road.
It's been 15 years since my "official" diagnosis. On top of that it's been 25 years since I can first remember been so depressed I couldn't function. I will have to drive down this road for the rest of my life. But, the silver lining to all of this...(yes there is a silver lining)...you have a lot of experience in introspection AND since this is normally genetic...I have a jumpstart on keeping my girls from years of being undiagnosed.
Maybe someday I'll go into the in's and out's of manic depression. For today I will work on keeping my mind focused on the positives....my husband, my girls, my friends and that, yes things have always worked out in the end.
Friday, August 15, 2008
I know I'm bored when...
Unemployment is having a toll on me. There are so many ways in which I realize my life has become a lot less demanding than....let's just say EVER.
I'm actually thinking of having myself committed over the first "I know I'm bored when..." anecdote. What could be so terrible? Cleaning addiction. Yes, for those of you who know me I'm no neatnik. This has included being on my hands and knees scrubbing "tough spots" off the kitchen floor or better yet spending 10 minutes relieving the inside of the washing machine from soap residue. It's getting seriously scary here.
Numero Dos that I know I'm bored...I just paused while blogging to make sure I heard the appalling story of the little girl who "karaoke'd" during the Olympic Opening Ceremonies. Yes you heard right. I'm actually paying attention to "Access Hollywood"....holy crap! For the past two months, the talk show circus has just served as background noise. Now I have preferences on daytime TV.
As always I'm spelling it...
11 Letters-Phonetically
I'm actually thinking of having myself committed over the first "I know I'm bored when..." anecdote. What could be so terrible? Cleaning addiction. Yes, for those of you who know me I'm no neatnik. This has included being on my hands and knees scrubbing "tough spots" off the kitchen floor or better yet spending 10 minutes relieving the inside of the washing machine from soap residue. It's getting seriously scary here.
Numero Dos that I know I'm bored...I just paused while blogging to make sure I heard the appalling story of the little girl who "karaoke'd" during the Olympic Opening Ceremonies. Yes you heard right. I'm actually paying attention to "Access Hollywood"....holy crap! For the past two months, the talk show circus has just served as background noise. Now I have preferences on daytime TV.
- Mike & Juliet in the morning is a must.
- Rachel Ray is no longer "completely annoying". I can't wait to find out how the "Agua Baba" situation ended up at Leah Remini's house.
- Tyra Banks is beginning to seem like a savvy business woman.
- The plantiffs on Judge Judy & Divorce Court are gaining my sympathy.
As always I'm spelling it...
11 Letters-Phonetically
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Blogging Virgin
Yes, I admit that I am a "blogging virgin." So everyone will have to excuse me as I get my feelers out there. If you are nodding off at any time during these posts, please feel free to comment. Indicating at what point your eyes officially closed would be extremely helpful!!!
My current life consists of waking up, getting the girls off to school, turning the computer on & searching for a job, running errands, dodging phone calls (from "unknown" numbers), remembering to eat, girls get home from school, hang out, make dinner, hang out then go to bed. However, in the past week my life has changed dramatically. Last weekend as my friends know I got married...which means wedding planning & wedding errands left my daily schedule. In addition to that, yesterday my girls went back to school. Every parent knows that is the AMEN factor and school prep also went out the window. ***Lid check...everyone still awake?***
Long story short I have 2 out of 3 stressors gone now. I actually feel relaxed. I can devote more time to job searching. I'm listed on just about every site imaginable and have a few interviews in limbo. Maybe time will be on my side now. I've already gotten way more done on the computer in 3 hours today than during most of last week.
So I digress....I'm going to have to read other people's blogs to see what the heck they write about. I'm feeling so uninteresting. No, no, no don't think that I'm in a "woe is me" mood. That is not how I meant it. I'm just fairly certain that I am interesting in my own quirky way. I just have to figure out how to put it down on paper.
Cheers all...
How do I spell my new last name??
"11 Letters Phonetically"
My current life consists of waking up, getting the girls off to school, turning the computer on & searching for a job, running errands, dodging phone calls (from "unknown" numbers), remembering to eat, girls get home from school, hang out, make dinner, hang out then go to bed. However, in the past week my life has changed dramatically. Last weekend as my friends know I got married...which means wedding planning & wedding errands left my daily schedule. In addition to that, yesterday my girls went back to school. Every parent knows that is the AMEN factor and school prep also went out the window. ***Lid check...everyone still awake?***
Long story short I have 2 out of 3 stressors gone now. I actually feel relaxed. I can devote more time to job searching. I'm listed on just about every site imaginable and have a few interviews in limbo. Maybe time will be on my side now. I've already gotten way more done on the computer in 3 hours today than during most of last week.
So I digress....I'm going to have to read other people's blogs to see what the heck they write about. I'm feeling so uninteresting. No, no, no don't think that I'm in a "woe is me" mood. That is not how I meant it. I'm just fairly certain that I am interesting in my own quirky way. I just have to figure out how to put it down on paper.
- Maybe I could just do a...."you think your family is a _____ (insert adjective)...you've got nothing on me". That would give me about 25 years of postings.
- Another idea...there must be one in here. How about "Bi-Polar By God!"...a look into the quirky issues of a manic depressant. Wow that would not be good and Steven Wright has they whole thing covered.
- A blog on the art of blogging....wow that's a stretch of at least 3 postings.
Cheers all...
How do I spell my new last name??
"11 Letters Phonetically"
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